Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
