This is not my ceiling
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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