Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
