oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
