Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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