I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
