I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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