Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
