I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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