Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Randomize
