woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
