My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize