My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
