Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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