this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Randomize
