I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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