If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
