I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
You are the jesus of drinking
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
