Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
