i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
