Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
