CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
