If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
NoShamevember. You game?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Randomize
