wanna go halves on a baby?
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
