her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
