I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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