I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
