I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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