new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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