If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
