just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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