Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Randomize
