so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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