Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I need to calm my uterus...
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Randomize
