It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
