At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
