dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
