i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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