Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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