I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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