life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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