in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
