I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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