No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
