I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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