I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Randomize
