i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
