there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
