i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Randomize