Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
