New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Randomize
