Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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