I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
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