I think I won the penis lottery.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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