Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
