i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
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