i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
