I met the friendliest cop last night
I showed him my bush... on skype.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
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